Pondering Parenthood

Before I had children, I was a parenting expert. I knew exactly how I was going to raise my children and exactly what sort of behavior they would exhibit. I knew what I would and wouldn't tolerate. I knew all about getting babies to sleep through the night and I knew all about how to make them eat their vegetables. I knew how they would be dressed and I knew how their hair would be styled. I knew that they'd always look presentable and cute when in public. I knew everything.

Turns out I didn't know anything. I wasn't even close. I was never a person who loved children to begin with, so when I'd see a kid throwing a tantrum in the store or have to grit my teeth and try to ignore the screaming child on the airplane, I would privately wonder at the mother's parenting skills. Surely she was slacking because my children would NEVER act like that in public. If I saw a child with uncombed hair, a runny nose, a wrinkled shirt or dirty fingernails, I would privately vow that no child of mine would ever walk out of the house that way. I can practically hear all you parents out there snickering at my pre-baby arrogance.

6+ years and 3 kids later, it's safe to say that I've been humbled many, many times over. My oldest, Mister, is a highly emotional boy. Combine this trait with the terrible 3s (yes, 3s are worse than 2s) and he was king of the tantrums. I remember some tantrums were so bad that I had to leave my full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle and leave the store. I had to drive the cart exactly down the middle of the grocery store aisles because Mister would lunge for the items on the shelves and knock everything in his reach onto the floor. This was problematic when those items were made of glass. When that became boring he started grabbing items and throwing them down the aisle (fortunately never hitting anyone). Shopping trips with him were highly stressful. Pumpkin is a little less volatile and fortunately Mister has turned into a model shopping partner and Pumpkin tends to follow his lead, so his terrible 3s aren't so bad. At least not yet. Now when I see a child throwing a colossal tantrum (including, but not limited to: flailing on the floor, screaming at the top of their lungs, tears and snot running down their faces, and running away from their parents, etc) I just smile. I know that sounds weird, but it's just so nice to know that my child isn't the only one who puts on shows like that for all to see. And the screaming child on the plane? Yeah, I've had one of those too. I just try to help the mom in any way I can. I promise you the moms are just as anxious for their children to be quiet as you are. We know how much it bothers others and it's stressful to try to keep them quiet in that situation.

As for appearances..... I stocked up on cute preppy clothes for my boys. You know, khaki pants, polo shirts, newsboy caps, etc. Who knew they'd have such a preference for their wardrobes at such a young age?! I tried to force them to dress the way I wanted them to look, but after a while (and again, tantrum after tantrum) I just started letting them choose the shirts they wanted to wear, which were invariably plastered with some tacky superhero in loud obnoxious colors. And that hair that I spend so much time wetting down and styling with product? Yeah, 5 minutes later it looks like I never touched it. And the freshly washed shirt that they put on sometimes has a breakfast stain on it by the time we have to leave the house. And even though they bathe and wash their hands regularly, boys just seem to attract dirt and their nails are usually dirty. Sometimes my kids look nothing like the image I had in my head of what they'd look like before I was a mom.

And the eating? Don't get me started on the eating..... As often as I offer veggies with meals, or fruit as a snack, you just can't make a child eat something they don't like. Mister won't eat fruits or veggies at all. I think it's a texture thing since he'll drink smoothies and I sneak pureed veggies into our meals that he doesn't bat an eyelash at. But I've tried forcing him to eat things and it just doesn't work. Not even gross things - things like an apple or a peach will make him gag to the point of throwing up. And that's the easy stuff. And since I don't want to clean up puke at the dinner table every day, I just put a little on his plate but don't make a fuss if he doesn't eat it. Maybe someday he will, but for now I just make sure he takes his vitamins every day and hope he grows out of it.

Now for the sleeping thing.... lightning struck twice in our house. My first two boys, Mister and Pumpkin, slept through the night at 8 weeks old and 10 weeks old respectively. Of course I considered myself a baby sleeping expert since my boys were so good at it. I'll humbly admit that I was a bit smug about that fact and wondered why parents tolerated their children not having similar sleep habits. "Really, your 8 month old (or 14 month old, etc) isn't sleeping through the night yet? Why are you letting them rule your life? Why don't you just get tough and make them sleep through the night? It's not that hard." That's what I'd be thinking to myself. Then Baby Bear came along. At first I thought he'd be like his brothers. He was putting them to shame at the beginning by only ever waking up once per night. His daytime napping was terrible, but at least he was doing great at night. The problem is, it's stayed that way. The 8 and 10 week marks came and went and Baby Bear still showed no interest in sleeping through the night. We've tried similar "sleep training" methods that worked like magic on Mister and Pumpkin. They don't even come close to working for Baby Bear. He's one strong-willed child and will not cry-it-out like the others. Oh no. He will cry-and-cry-and-cry-and-cry-and-cry until your heart just breaks. And I'm not weak-willed when it comes to sleep training. Some people might be appalled that I let my boys cry it out, but it worked great after a couple of days and everything was peaceful after that. So I now know that it's part parenting, but also highly dependent on the individual child's disposition as to how well sleep training will work. Humble pie eaten.....

Don't get me wrong, parenting isn't all bad. In fact, it's mostly great. Here are some other things I never knew about being a mom that have come as pleasant surprises:

1) A baby's smile and giggle will melt your heart and you'll happily and willingly do the weirdest things to try to coax them out.
2) Hearing a child say "I love you Mommy" is the best thing for your soul.
3) I never knew that I'd become an emotional wreck when it comes to all children. If I ever see a movie or hear about something on the news that includes harming children it will always reduce me to tears because I always imagine my boys in that position and wonder how people can harm innocent children.
4) I never knew I would so happily waste band-aids to make all their (imaginary) boo-boos feel better.
5) I never realized how much my parents loved me until I became a mom myself.
6) I never knew that watching my children sleep would qualify as therapy. Something about a sleeping baby or child is so soothing and endearing it can almost bring tears to my eyes.
7) I never knew I'd become such a sap. About everything.
8) I never knew that I'd enjoy being woken up early every morning. But when my 6 year old wakes me up by softly kissing my cheek and telling me that I look beautiful I don't mind at all.
9) I never knew how protective I'd feel and how my heart would break anytime my kids are treated poorly by others - either at school or at the park, or wherever.
10) I never knew that I could love my 2nd and 3rd children as much as I love my first. I honestly doubted my capacity to love them equally, which I now know is ridiculous.
11) I never knew that I would love them so fiercely that I would literally die for them.
12) I never realized how often my kids would embarrass me and how even though it's not funny at the time, these situations make for some of my best (and funniest) stories.

There are lots of things that I still don't know. All my kids are different, so what works with one doesn't work with another (do you hear that Baby Bear who likes to wake up at night unlike his awesome brothers who were amazing sleepers?). It's an adventure, a learning experience and an emotional roller coaster, but I'm totally loving it!