I've been having a really hard time lately trying to find a balance between getting things done around the house, giving Mister and Pumpkin the attention they deserve, and soaking up all the wonderful newborn-ness of Baby Bear. You see, Baby Bear loves to be held and is quite vocal in his protests when I put him down. Baby Bear sleeps wonderfully at night, usually sleeping all night, or maybe waking up once to eat and then going right back to bed. The daytime is a completely different story. He can be in the deepest sleep in my arms, with me wiggling him and poking him trying to gauge how asleep he really is. And no matter how asleep he is, he ALWAYS wakes up the minute I lay him down. And then he gets mad.
So during the day I have 3 choices. I can:
1) Hold Baby Bear all day in my arms and enjoy him but only accomplish those few things I can do while holding a baby one handed and until my arm gets tired.
2) Wear Baby Bear in a Moby wrap (thanks Amanda!), which he enjoys, and have my hands free to do other things. However, as comfortable as the wrap is, my back starts hurting after about 2 hours, so then I either have to sit down and hold him again or put him down and deal with the screaming.
3) Speaking of screaming.... If I am not holding him or wearing him during the day, he's most likely sitting in his swing voicing his displeasure very loudly. There's only so much screaming I can tolerate hearing (both b/c of the volume and b/c it breaks my heart), so these times are usually brief.
Mister and Pumpkin were very different. They didn't like being held or fussed with too much. They preferred to be left alone more, which allowed me to take care of other things. I always wished for a baby who would want to cuddle and snuggle with me, which is exactly what I got this time. I'm not saying I'm not enjoying it, because I really, really am. I'm just feeling guilty about all the things that aren't getting done in the rest of my life because of it. I see the dishes piling up in the sink, the dust gathering on the furniture, the laundry forming small mountains (waiting to be folded and put away) in the guest bedroom and the dinners becoming less and less gourmet.
My mom said something very wise last night (while she was helping me with the boys while Scott was away at school, bless her). She said that every child needs a different type of parent. What works for one won't necessarily work for another. Baby Bear needs a mama who's there to hold him so he can feel loved and safe. The dishes can wait, family comes first. I always "knew" that, but for some reason, coming from my mom it made me feel so much better and less guilty about my lack of accomplishing anything other than spending time with my family lately. Since Baby Bear is likely our last child, I really want to savor every little minute and stage and smile, so that's what I'm going to do. If you come over to my house and there are toys everywhere and I have dust bunnies running along the floor, too bad. As the poem below says: "I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."
I found an awesome poem that says it all:
Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
For babies grow up, we've learned to our sorrow
So quiet down, cobwebs
Dust, go to sleep
I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep.
6 comments:
Hey Marissa - Have you tried any white noise with him? Olivia was the same way - anytime I let her out of my arms to sleep, she was wide awake. She did love the swing (which was so wonderful). I actually let her nap in her swing (the cradle one - I think it's same kind you have) for the first 6 months! And, almost always, she had the hairdryer in the room running on cool. I don't know what it was about that hairdryer, but she would instantly go into the zone! It might be worth a try.
We also swaddled her, which she seemed to like. How is he going down at night? And, what do you think is different during the day? Black out shades maybe?? They've helped Olivia with her naps.
At any rate, good luck. He'll figure it out...eventually!
And, as for the dishes and the dust bunnies and the laundry. Anyone who comes over knows you are a mother with three kids and I can guarantee that not one person is judging your house (says the woman whose DINK neighbors with the spotless house are coming over for dinner tonight).
And, another saying I like:
When my kids are all grown and I look back, will I wish that I would have had kept my house cleaner or that I would have spent more time playing with them?
I think your heart is completely in the right place. Though I know exactly your feelings. I often feel the same way and it is so much harder to balance life with children! I felt like I was a very balanced person before having children and now it feels like no matter what I'm doing I'm neglecting something else (part of this is my guilty, anxious thinking). I try to do a lot of chores when my kids are asleep so I'm paying attention to them when they are awake. At the same time I'm learning that Savanna is at an age where it is good for her to help and learn how to do things so I'm trying to include her more with laundry, dinner preparation, etc. Anyway, but with a baby I know it is very different. Clark has always been a baby that needs a lot of attention. He loved to be held all the time when he was a baby but thankfully I was able to get him to take a nap in the swing or in the baby bjourn so I could get some stuff done ( I would imagine that Baby Bear will get better about sleeping somewhere else). But I think you are fine to leave the cleaning and enjoy your baby! You are so right-they are only small for a short period of time. And I love the question that was asked in the previous comment on this post about when your kids are all grown up and you are looking back will you have wished your house was cleaner or that you played with them more? Obviously I think we all want to remember spending a lot of quality time with our children. Obviously we can't leave dishes in the sink for months and never clean our house but we should remember that our focus should be on our children and those chores, etc are secondary. Anyway, it seems like you have this mentality and I imagine you will be able to look back on your child rearing days with no regrets! You sound like an amazing mother! And sorry this post turned into a novel. I wasn't intending that but the words just kept coming. Good luck! The newborn stage is the hardest for me but it does go by so fast!
It's so true, babies grow WAY too fast. I'm having such a hard time with the fact that my baby is turning 3 in 9 days!
I loved this blog post because i feel like I can relate to it SO much. I have had a REALLY hard time adjusting from one to two kids. With one, I was able to still do most everything normally. Preston would just tag along, or be toted around. But now with two, I have felt just like you - trying to decide how to best spend my time, who to give attention to, and how to get everything done.
BOTH of my boys have never been great sleepers, and Taylor (our 5 month old) LOVES to be held. If I held him all day long he would be soooo content. I have to say that I really enjoy it because on the one hand, Preston was never snuggly and I have wished for a baby that would be snuggly. But yes it is exhausting! I really do spend an enormous amount of time during my trying to get Taylor to sleep because he'd rather just sleep in my arms. So when I put him down, I have to do it the EXACT same way every day or he throws a fit. He hasn't even slept in his crib yet because he prefers the swing, and if I don't lay him down in his swing just like so, then he wakes up and cries and I have to do the entire routine all over again. 20 min turns into 40 minutes..then an hour.
I have been trying to enjoy the newborn phase better this time too - because as a first time mom with Preston I had NO IDEA how quickly they outgrew that phase. I have to say that I have let Taylor cry more than I let Preston cry though - just because it is dang hard to take care of two kids at once and I can't always be everywhere all the time. AND I also need to take time for myself too.
I have learned to accept the help of others when it is offered, and to also use babysitters more frequently. Trying to be a hero and do it all myself just does not work. No wonder they say it takes a village to raise a child, right?
I do think that your mom is wise though. It is so true how fast babies grow up and then before you know it they are crawling and then walking. Lately I have looked into Preston's eyes and had flashes of him as a teenager and just imagining what he would be like...and it makes me yearn for when he was little. Oh wait, he is still little :) It's a good exercise to help me savor the NOW. :)
wise counsel from your mom. and wise poem! I know how it feels to feel anxiety about letting everything go-- but honestly Marissa when it that little man is 2 you will look back at these days and either be glad you held him and snuggled him or wished you had... I would go with doing it! Its hard to "grasp" in our heads that the dishes can wait, but they really can. You will never get yesterday or today back. So just sit back, relax, love on that precious little guy and do the dishes later. And if you start getting ancy, just remember there are so many women who would love to have babies and can't.... so you are lucky and Brooks is so lucky to have you!
Loves! xoxo
We are not here to raise our children to be what we want them to be. We are here to help nuture them to be the person they were meant to be. Right now, Baby Bear is meant to be a baby that wants to be held. Guilt has no place in that. Enjoy your precious Baby Bear. One day he will not want you to hold him, so do it now while you have the chance.
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